My Adventure On Kaboom

As you know, Earth was recently contacted by another planet, the planet Kaboom, an event that improvidentlly coincided with two celebrities wearing the same gown to an awards assembly and was eclipsed by the media. Then some kid got loose in its underwear while sticking its tongue out and all interplanetary confabulation was largely forgotten. However, I hope to correct that lapse of coverage by recounting here my experience among the Kaboomians. By dint of long experience in dealing with enigmas, and because my methods are my own, I was asked to undertake diplomatic relations.

I accepted mainly on the information that Kaboomians are a carbon-based life-form, as am I. I learned only later that, in addition to carbon, Kaboomians were also composed of sulfur and various ionic salts including potassium nitrate. The perceptive reader will recognize the formula for gunpowder. I also accepted upon assurance that all exploding inhabitants of Kaboom are committed pacifists who consider war a failure of reason.

We Earthlings are familiar with life being a controlled sort of combustion called metabolism, which is measured out in tiny units of heat and expansion called calories. Kaboomians have no such physiological restrictions and are, in the most complimentary sense of the term, living and sentient explosions.

Because our space program has succeeded only in touring our own solar system, a craft from Kaboom was sent to collect me. Its propulsion system consisted of one or another of its crew throwing open its back door, exploding a bit, then returning to other duties. I wore ear protection, as well as shock-absorbing armor, but still found it unnerving.

Upon arrival, I was enrolled in an ESL (Explosion as a Second Language) class at one of their many community colleges and learned of Kaboomian society and commerce. Their global economy consists of traders exporting their only manufactured product, smithereens, among communities which contribute their own distinctive smithereens in return.

I also learned of their designs upon Earth. For many years, Kaboomians have monitored our broadcasts --with special interest in movies. The predominance of explosions in films encouraged them to audition for parts in Hollywood productions. They accepted me graciously from Earth as a diplomat and wish to return me as their agent. I have reserved acceptance pending further information (fees negotiable above 10%).

Rocket Racer, A Toybox Adventure

Rocket Racer was speeding through outer space. He was on a mission.  

I was retrieving illegal bottle-rocket (also known as roofburners) remains from my property. They were on my house, barn, pumphouse --all over my property.  We hicks are sensitive to such things because we are surrounded by hundreds of acres of dry fields and stand guard at our farmgates until 2 or 3 a.m July 5th.  But across the road, 900 acres were sold 15 years ago to developers --who still flap overhead on their leathery wings in the depths of night. Who moved in there? A lot of nice people, definitely, but also a lot of incautious 20-somethings in shorts and t-shirts --to show off their beer-guts-- whose July 4th directive seems to consist of validating the Red States' opinion that California is populated by idiots.

Norma Normaphotoed me this afternoon after I raked the final spent roofburner off the pumphouse. Note temperature (100F) on door sill thermometer . 

At that moment, Rocket Racer landed in my left hand. Little pilot popped the hatch and asked if we could talk. I said "Sure" and brought him indoors to the kitchen sideboard.

"My name is 6." He said,  " I have been entrusted with a message from the planet Kaboom."

Geo.: I'm familiar with Kaboom.

(But it occurs to me that some readers are not, without having read 2 previous essays clickable here, anywhere among these blue words )

6: My message is, the people of Planet Kaboom --on behalf of all sentient explosionoids and gunpowder-based life-forms-- wish emphatically that you not blame them for recent explosions in the state of California or any other regions of the continent that are composed mainly of kindling. 

Geo.: Oh, there's no danger of misunderstanding, 6 . The detonations in question are only eruptions of those who feel passion for God and Country and can express themselves in no other way. Incidentally, is 6 your real name?

6: Let's not bring up old issues.  As to identity, you're welcome to click here and learn about #6  but that's another issue. As to Country, it will proceed if informed by reason and discussion. As to God,  it's not a question of humans believing in Him or not, but the severe reservations He's demonstrated about humans.

Geo.: I think it's time I took you outside and let you return to your interplanetry duties.

6: Please, you seem to have changed into your pajamas --that's a universal sign that a guest should say goodnight.

Geo.: Goodnight, 6, and give my best to the Kaboomians --shall we step outside?

6: Yes, let's.

 

Return Of Kaboom !

As you may recall, this blog addressed life and diplomatic commerce with inhabitants of the planet, Kaboom, some months ago. Kaboomians were described here as sentient beings possessed of metabolisms far more rapid than our own, explosions in fact. Nowhere has this been better documented than in this photo of the recent Kaboomian-Human "Meet-and-Greet" gala in Anaheim. Here is a photo of the event:

It was of course held outdoors. The Kaboomians were very excited and exploded repeatedly in greeting and good cheer. Humans, whose heads are detectable in lower foreground, were asked how they felt about this emotional display. They invariably answered "What? Ears ringing! What?"

The mayor was interviewed. Asked if he had any regrets, he watched part of his car fly past and said, "Not yet, but this evening has potential." 

Kaboomians kaboomed until dawn, then lifted off, leaving a box containing their National Anthem, adjusted for human hearing. Here it is, courtesy of Youtube:
Various authorities have been consulted in an effort to decode the tune. They variously answer:
"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge."
"It has a beat and I can can-can to it."
"We are metaphysically predisposed or indisposed, depending upon nearness to explosions."
"No wonder I worry all the time, I'm stupid."
"California has the eighth largest economy on earth. We can fix this!"

But the most poignant and memorable quote to emerge from this encounter with the Kaboomians came from the mayor himself: "When you see part of your car flying at you, the part with chrome letters that say 'Dodge' on it, remember it's not just a brand name, it's really good advice."

UFOs Like Riddles

"Well, hello you."

"You-Eff-Oh, if you don't mind."

"I'm Geo. You don't really have a name, do you?"

"Uh, no, I travel light."

"So what brings you --may I call you 'U'?-- to my garden tonight?"

"I just saw you looking up in the dark. I've seen you do that a lot over the years and thought I'd visit."

"Thank you U.  I appreciate the company. Been here long then?"

"Oh yes. I love to roam over the towns as they go to sleep and watch the few restless bits of traffic --engines starting and lonely cars stirring like fevered dreams."

"That's your assignment, your whole mission to this planet?"

"No, that would be silly. It's just that I've been here so long...if I knew now what I knew then..."

"Ah, I understand. We humans have a similar saying: If I knew then what I know now, surely I have forgotten it."

"Or, you could have accomplished all you've done since in ten minutes. Funny humans."

"Funny UFOs. You remind me of someone I used to know."

"Who?"

"Me, or someone else --I forget. Do you remember what planet you came from?"

"Only that it was an unhappy place. Contentious populace. Our tolerance of each other was considered a recurring miracle. It comprised our whole religion. Many of us volunteered to explore the universe.

"I'd like that, U."

"But Geo., there must be so many people, like you, whom you could get along with easily."

"Oh I get along fine! But try to understand, there is nobody else like me --sometimes I can't even do it."

"Is this a rare condition?"

"Certainly not. Everybody on Earth suffers from it."

"Then, you ARE all alike! Hahaha--Zooooom!"

"Hey U! Come back here...oh dang, out-riddled by a UFO again!"


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                        For  Brigitta: My Aventures On Kaboom