Monday, January 13, 2014
My Adventure On Kaboom
As you know, Earth was recently contacted by another planet, the planet Kaboom, an event that improvidentlly coincided with two celebrities wearing the same gown to an awards assembly and was eclipsed by the media. Then some kid got loose in its underwear while sticking its tongue out and all interplanetary confabulation was largely forgotten. However, I hope to correct that lapse of coverage by recounting here my experience among the Kaboomians. By dint of long experience in dealing with enigmas, and because my methods are my own, I was asked to undertake diplomatic relations.
I accepted mainly on the information that Kaboomians are a carbon-based life-form, as am I. I learned only later that, in addition to carbon, Kaboomians were also composed of sulfur and various ionic salts including potassium nitrate. The perceptive reader will recognize the formula for gunpowder. I also accepted upon assurance that all exploding inhabitants of Kaboom are committed pacifists who consider war a failure of reason.
We Earthlings are familiar with life being a controlled sort of combustion called metabolism, which is measured out in tiny units of heat and expansion called calories. Kaboomians have no such physiological restrictions and are, in the most complimentary sense of the term, living and sentient explosions.
Because our space program has succeeded only in touring our own solar system, a craft from Kaboom was sent to collect me. Its propulsion system consisted of one or another of its crew throwing open its back door, exploding a bit, then returning to other duties. I wore ear protection, as well as shock-absorbing armor, but still found it unnerving.
Upon arrival, I was enrolled in an ESL (Explosion as a Second Language) class at one of their many community colleges and learned of Kaboomian society and commerce. Their global economy consists of traders exporting their only manufactured product, smithereens, among communities which contribute their own distinctive smithereens in return.
I also learned of their designs upon Earth. For many years, Kaboomians have monitored our broadcasts --with special interest in movies. The predominance of explosions in films encouraged them to audition for parts in Hollywood productions. They accepted me graciously from Earth as a diplomat and wish to return me as their agent. I have reserved acceptance pending further information (fees negotiable above 10%).