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Monday, January 13, 2014

My Adventure On Kaboom




As you know, Earth was recently contacted by another planet, the planet Kaboom, an event that improvidentlly coincided with two celebrities wearing the same gown to an awards assembly and was eclipsed by the media. Then some kid got loose in its underwear while sticking its tongue out and all interplanetary confabulation was largely forgotten. However, I hope to correct that lapse of coverage by recounting here my experience among the Kaboomians. By dint of long experience in dealing with enigmas, and because my methods are my own, I was asked to undertake diplomatic relations.

I accepted mainly on the information that Kaboomians are a carbon-based life-form, as am I. I learned only later that, in addition to carbon, Kaboomians were also composed of sulfur and various ionic salts including potassium nitrate. The perceptive reader will recognize the formula for gunpowder. I also accepted upon assurance that all exploding inhabitants of Kaboom are committed pacifists who consider war a failure of reason.

We Earthlings are familiar with life being a controlled sort of combustion called metabolism, which is measured out in tiny units of heat and expansion called calories. Kaboomians have no such physiological restrictions and are, in the most complimentary sense of the term, living and sentient explosions.

Because our space program has succeeded only in touring our own solar system, a craft from Kaboom was sent to collect me. Its propulsion system consisted of one or another of its crew throwing open its back door, exploding a bit, then returning to other duties. I wore ear protection, as well as shock-absorbing armor, but still found it unnerving.

Upon arrival, I was enrolled in an ESL (Explosion as a Second Language) class at one of their many community colleges and learned of Kaboomian society and commerce. Their global economy consists of traders exporting their only manufactured product, smithereens, among communities which contribute their own distinctive smithereens in return.

I also learned of their designs upon Earth. For many years, Kaboomians have monitored our broadcasts --with special interest in movies. The predominance of explosions in films encouraged them to audition for parts in Hollywood productions. They accepted me graciously from Earth as a diplomat and wish to return me as their agent. I have reserved acceptance pending further information (fees negotiable above 10%).

24 comments:

  1. What would your fees be paid in? Or is that something yet to be negotiated?

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    1. I would settle for enough to pay off my kids' student loans but don't tell anyone!

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  2. I have been to Kaboom. One must be carful not to excite the natives.

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    1. I noticed an area of calm during my stay. Should have come over and said hello.

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  3. Cute song.

    Since explosions are commonplace for the Kaboomians, what do they do for sensationalism in their own cinematic endeavors?

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    1. Opening and closing credits comprise the whole of their films. Off-planet expeditions are made in search of something to put in between.

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  4. Your methods are indeed your own, that's for sure.

    Given our culture and geopolitics, are we absolutely sure the Kaboomians aren't living among us, thinly disguised? Guys like Quentin Tarantino, Kim Jong Un, and Lewis Black, while of varying usefulness and merit, make me wonder if we're all traditional carbon-based life forms.

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    1. Gunpowder-based life-forms are very shy of open flames. So lighting a match is one way to tell.

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  5. Invasion Of The Kaboomians....I feel a script coming on but my pen just exploded. I may have met a Kaboomian or two in the course of my life now that I think about it.

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    1. If you know people who may be Kaboomian, lend them a sweater. If it comes back looking like it was worn by an explosion, that's conclusive.

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  6. Sorry, still giggling too much to make a serious comment. But then a serious comment would be out of place. I'll just read it through again, and keep giggling.

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    1. Most kind Tom! Glad you you enjoyed essay.

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  7. I think I need to understand French in order to get the connection with the song? Yes? Consternation.

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    1. Ah, I just like that song. Chas. Trenet used "boum" (=Eng. "boom") for his lyrical message: "When the heart goes Boom...love wakes up." It's such a fun tune.

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  8. I once tried to learn ESL in a summer school class but had to eventually abandon it because, for some strange reason, my ears kept ringing.

    I love "Boum". It puts me in a good mood - - which isn't easy to do.

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  9. Yes, the tinnitus of conjugating detonative verbs, I know it well. Glad you like Boum, it is typical of Trenet's surrealist lyrics, a fine Kaboomian anthem and full of fun!

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  10. I like the idea of their propulsion system, very ingenious!

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    1. Kaboomians do have fun with propulsion ideas. They generally have a blast whatever they do.

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  11. Dear Geo.,
    oh you play Charles Trenet - my son loves his songs (I was a bit astonished about that, he being quite young, but then: he is astonishing. Hope I won't need your diplomacy now, because I am strictly forbidden to post about him, and both he and daughter-in-love stand on the threshhold of being lawyers...) Come to think of it: I might sit on a big Wrecking Ball - but ha - I won't burn my tongue. Here a song for you, chosen by guess, because in Germany the GEMA doesn't allow us to see the whole kit and kaboodle.

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    1. When we sit on wrecking balls we should first make sure they are not in use. I do. Glad to hear younger people have discovered Trenet. He was such a wonderful writer, singer and energetic dreamer. And, happily, he got to do those things a long time!

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  12. Being highly combustible would force a species into pacifism, wouldn't it?

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  13. So what do the Kaboomians eat to keep their internal combustive systems healthy? Chili, perhaps? It adds a certain kaboom to our carbon-based lives, so surely, it would enhance the boom-boom quality in theirs.

    What a fun post! LOVE that song, too. It's been a long time since I heard it, so thanks. Not sure, but I think it was one of the songs on my old Maurice Chevalier album. (Yeah, I know, nuts. I LOVED him when I was a teenager.)

    Happy weekend, dude.

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    1. Thanks Susan! Glad you liked the old (late 1930s) song. Trenet used "boum" as a symbol of awakening joy. Unfortunately Europe was soon to explode in a singularly unhappy war, so I consider the little song especially brave.

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