He is in training for politics because it is a goddawful political year, full of upheavals, downheaveals and unilateral global heavals, but he doesn't care about that. This is important. He wants to become Lieutenant Governor of Wyoming. Why? Because he is currently Lieutenant Governor of Arizona and hates the Capitol Building:
That is why he lives in California. Yes, it's still dry here and he despairs of his yard but politics is a strange bedfellow and he prefers to live with his wife who says, "so is he because he steals all the covers". But more importantly, he braves the inclemency of the Golden State. In his words: "Those other two states, much as I love them and dedicate my political life to them, are just gravel."
No other Lieutenant Governor of either state has given a kinder description of them.
Why is our candidate special? First off, he was a prime athlete who attended several prestigious central California community colleges on a full Cockfighting Scholarship. He became class president through a series of debates, tontine inheritances and the slogan, "A lifeboat under every davit!". His platform consisted of fierce promises to clean up campus lavatories --which really needed it-- expressed as , "a vote for me is a vote for sanity", a word he still confuses with sanitation. He also perfected a directive that thematized his subsequent public life: "If we cannot progress singly, let us escape severally. You guys go first!"
There are some who say the office, to which our candidate aspires, holds no real power. In rebuttal, one can only point out the contributions of Lieutenant Governors in Arizona, Maine, Oregon, West Virginia, Puerto Rico and, of course, Wyoming. If you would like to impress alumni at your high school reunion by claiming to be a Lieutenant Governor, make sure it's one of those six places. Other states and territories actually have that office.
Oh, and I have dibs on Wyoming.
Your candidate definitely has my vote.
ReplyDeleteI think "unilateral global heavals" sums up the political situation perfectly.
Thanks Jon! I've heard aspirin and V-8, the morning after, helps global heavals but haven't tried it.
ReplyDeleteJust what we need, another powerless politician in a chicken suit lol.
ReplyDeleteSanity and sanitation aren't the same thing? Either way, you need both for cockfighting.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the most sensical, upstanding candidate I've heard of yet. Almost makes me want to move there. Except for that bloomin' Capitol building. Someone really needs to decorate that building.
Anyone who walks toward the sun in search of his shadow is already as well-prepared to hold office as most of those currently "serving". Assuming he has a seven-figure income and an off-shore bank account, of course.
ReplyDeleteDelores-- Unfortunately Cockfighting is in decline here. As intercollegiate sports go it's rather low in the pecking order.
ReplyDeleteCarrieBoo-- There's a bill currently under discussion to decorate the building but the majority thinks it needs an interior first.
Susan-- Off-shore accounts are a myth. Seagulls fly off with all the bills and the coins just sink.
I feel honored to have made your acquaintance Sir. Good luck with your candidacy. I am reading a book by John Grisham. It is entitled, or should that be titled? I am never sure, The Brethren. So I know all about politics in the good old U S of A. It is going to be a long hard road but you will get there.
ReplyDeleteI am writing this on my new laptop thing so you may not receive this comment. Which makes me wonder why I'm bothering. OK here goes.
I do believe it worked.
ReplyDeleteIt worked indeed, John. Thanks for your endorsement. The office in question doesn't exist yet in Wyoming so I don't believe US law specifically prohibits UK citizens from voting for me. Please do so, often.
ReplyDeletePoliticians are simple fools when they're not being chickens.
ReplyDeleteI say go valiantly forward with a new party. Here's a slogan: "No Shadow Government with the Sunshine Party." And you can hand out bits of paper with a sun on them. And your theme song can be "Love Walked Right In and Drove the Shadows Away."
ReplyDeleteRubye Jack-- A sound observation. Maybe if politicians all wore chicken suits they'd take themselves less seriously.
ReplyDeleteAustan-- I like your campaign ideas. Have always handed out little hand-scrawled pics of the sun but, until now, had no idea why.
You have my vote, Geo. :-)
ReplyDeleteLove that opening paragraph, by the way...
Pearl
No, Geo, I want Wyoming, Arizona is too hot! Great writing
ReplyDeletePearl-- Thank you, kindred spirit, a vote for me is a vote for sanitation.
ReplyDeleteSage-- Thanks! Well, ok, really all you have to do is declare yourself Lt. Gov. and that's it.
Thanks, Geo. and previous contributors. This all makes me remember when our parents used to say, "Talk about anything except religion, politics and sex at the dinner table."
ReplyDeleteSonoma to the British Isles --big table! Family, eh? Good comparison. I love you too, Willie.
ReplyDelete