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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Age-old Secrets To Good Posture


The three fine examples of good posture pictured above span thousands of years because we have always wanted good posture. People with good posture get ahead and are called "upright". People with bad posture slouch and are called "slouches". Slouches are typically ne'er-do-wells and dissidents who go about trouble-making, then slouch off and slink into hiding where they teach other slouches to slink.

Upright people, however, stand tall and do not disrupt society. They circulate as deactivists, proudly stirring up apathy and indifference among the populace. How do they train for this? To answer that question we must return to ancient Egypt and examine the mystery in good light. Here is a picture of Ptah, god of craftsmen and architects. In the triad of Memphis --named after an ancient Tennessee city much admired by ancient Egyptians-- Ptah was known for his good posture. This impression was created by making Ptah hug a fencepost for all portraits.

In later years, it was discovered the illusion of uprightness could be maintained with more subtlety if the subjects posed with a fencepost but also consented to being gilded, during which process the fencepost could be removed. Oscar ___, a patient recently released from the Age-old Secret Posture Academy, had this to say:
"I'd like to thank the academy for making this possible without a fencepost, and making me sought after by film stars, but I wish I could sit down. I like films. A hacksaw and hinges would enhance my movie-watching experience immeasurably."

A somewhat less conspicuous example of posture improvement is provided by Subject G___., whose wife of 43 years has taken to snapping photos of his undignified meditation postures until he tells her the other letters of his name. I have credited her furtive artistry in italics.
 
But we do not live in ancient times and have little need of their good posture secrets. This is the future! This is the era of brash technology, and if I can label a photo in italics, it follows I  can italicize a whole photo,


which pretty much solves the posture problem. Not quite perfectly, I know, but it's an improvement --and no fencepost. These things take time. 

16 comments:

  1. Ptah looks more like he's clutching a microphone rather than a fence post...perhaps he has something to say about what has him so rigid.

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  2. Delores-- True, but I'm concentrating on photo-italization. If the world was a steeper parallelogram, I'd be about plumb.

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  3. I've always been a sloucher with upright intentions. I suppose I could learn a lot from Ptah and fenceposts.

    This is admittedly the first time I've ever seen an italicized photo.

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  4. un autre monde se dessine grâce à vous,

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  5. Jon-- Thanks, italicized photos are tricky to pose for!

    Arno - Merci, un monde heureux je l'espère.

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  6. Holy. Cow. The image of Ptah and the Oscar are alamringly similar.

    At one of the universities I attended, the basketball team for the people in wheelchairs was among the best in the nation. They were/are called the Movin' Mavs. There was an entire lingo that seemed to emerge from that community. They called people who were not in chairs, 'uprights.'

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  7. How did you manage to create an italicized photo? That is awesome!

    I've always been a part-time sloucher and part-time good posture kind of girl. :D

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  8. Suze-- They are indeed similar. And thanks for the "upright" reference. Usage origin fascinates me!

    Shaharizan-- Thank you for reading my essay and joining my site. I have joined yours. Italicized photo was done at this pc's Windows pic. file. Toolbar has a little arrow by "preview"-- accesses "paint" which has a "resize" and "skew" function. I skewed.

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  9. If Oscar explored one of those genealogy sites, I'll betcha he'd discover that Ptah let go of that fence post long enough to beget one of Oscar's ancestors. Then again, my opinion could be skewed.

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  10. Hahahahahahahahahh!!!!! Thank you Geo.! I'm sending this on to my Niecely, who has a thing for Ptah, even though he's much too old for her.

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  11. Susan-- I do believe you've half-solved the enigma of Oscar's parentage! But who was his mummy?

    Austan-- I'm honored. Regards to Niecely and oh my, it's good to read your laughter again!

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  12. I have always had poor posture when seated. I suppose I need to correct that before it catches up with me down the road.

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  13. Your italics photo made me chuckle out loud.
    Good posture takes a lot of energy. I always think I'm doing it to 'look better' but that's only 1/2 true.

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  14. Keith-- As Lieutenant Governor of Arizona or perhaps Wyoming, I declare all judgements of sitting posture void. So don't worry about it.

    Tesha-- You honor me. Coming after trials, your chuckle is not merely audible, it is music.

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  15. I myself am quite upright, although my writing may indicate otherwise. It comes from my formative years and my mother's demand that I "sit up straight -- and suck in your gut!".

    :-)

    Pearl

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  16. Pearl-- It's your posture toward existence I most admire.

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