Age-old Secrets To Good Posture

The three fine examples of good posture pictured above span thousands of years because we have always wanted good posture. People with good posture get ahead and are called "upright". People with bad posture slouch and are called "slouches". Slouches are typically ne'er-do-wells and dissidents who go about trouble-making, then slouch off and slink into hiding where they teach other slouches to slink.

Upright people, however, stand tall and do not disrupt society. They circulate as deactivists, proudly stirring up apathy and indifference among the populace. How do they train for this? To answer that question we must return to ancient Egypt and examine the mystery in good light. Here is a picture of Ptah, god of craftsmen and architects. In the triad of Memphis --named after an ancient Tennessee city much admired by ancient Egyptians-- Ptah was known for his good posture. This impression was created by making Ptah hug a fencepost for all portraits.

In later years, it was discovered the illusion of uprightness could be maintained with more subtlety if the subjects posed with a fencepost but also consented to being gilded, during which process the fencepost could be removed. Oscar ___, a patient recently released from the Age-old Secret Posture Academy, had this to say:

"I'd like to thank the academy for making this possible without a fencepost, and making me sought after by film stars, but I wish I could sit down. I like films. A hacksaw and hinges would enhance my movie-watching experience immeasurably."

A somewhat less conspicuous example of posture improvement is provided by Subject G___., whose wife of 43 years has taken to snapping photos of his undignified meditation postures until he tells her the other letters of his name. I have credited her furtive artistry in italics.

 
But we do not live in ancient times and have little need of their good posture secrets. This is the future! This is the era of brash technology, and if I can label a photo in italics, it follows I  can italicize a whole photo,

which pretty much solves the posture problem. Not quite perfectly, I know, but it's an improvement --and no fencepost. These things take time.