Phone (automated voice of neutral but strangely cheerful inflection): Hello! Thank you for calling the Law And Equity Public Intoxication Hotline. If you are reporting a Drunk, please press 1. If you are a victim of Drunken Disturbance, press 2. If you are DRUNK, press 3.
Phone: I'm...sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please try again.
Phone: Public Intoxication is a serious offense and I'm glad you are reporting it. Please repeat your entry.
Caller: Beep beep?
Phone: Alright, I understand you are reporting a crime that you have committed. If this is correct, press 1. If not, press 2.
Caller: BEEP BEEP!
Phone: I'm...sorry. That's what they all say. If you wish to misrepresent the severity of your offense, you will need an attorney. Select from the following menu....
Phone: Thank you for choosing the first attorney on our list. He is experienced and well-qualified, but he drinks. Misrepresentation in Law and Equity equates to fraud. Thank you for confessing to conspiracy to commit FRAUD. You may now lock yourself up. If you believe this judgement has been reached in error, please stay on the line. All our representatives are busy right now but your call will be answered in the order it was received and monitored to insure quality. Months spent on hold will be applied toward your sentence (muzak). Thank you for calling Law And Equity Hotline. Goodbye.