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Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Fortifications Of Sacramento

I find myself at one of life's recuperative interludes considering an unsettled world. There is enough to recuperate from right now without the added inconvenience of going deaf from sabre-rattling --and no help for it besides a survey of local defenses. In an effort to set my mind at ease, I have reviewed the fortifications of various places around the world and compared them to those of my city.

Here is a typical example. Castle Krásna Hôrka was built in the 1300s but, according to clippings in my commonplace book, was compromised slightly over a year ago:

 BRATISLAVA (Reuters) - Police are investigating two boys on suspicion that they set grass at the foot of the Krasna Horka castle on fire on Saturday when they tried to light a cigarette. "A unit sent to the site found that two local boys aged 11 and 12 were trying to light up a cigarette and because of careless use of safety matches, set grass at the castle hill on fire," said Jana Mesarova, police spokeswoman for the eastern Slovak region of Kosice. "The castle's roof burned down completely, as well as the new exhibition in the gothic palace and the bell tower. Three bells melted."

We can excuse the designers their ignorance. In the 14th century, they could not know the destructive potential of two boys and a cigarette. In my notes, I see an aside asking if any other countries have explored this relatively inexpensive military strategy.

Our own state's capital was originally fortified. [Captain John Augustus] Sutter's Fort was begun in 1839 and covers one city block. He called it New Switzerland.

Then, what with the Gold Rush and one thing and another, the name was changed to Sacramento and it expanded to a busy city of 100 square miles, surrounded by a densely populated county ten times that size. My peaceful and therapeutic researches were shaken by an alarming realization. This city has outgrown its fortifications --perhaps irreversibly!

So I called upon my chief advisers  to study the situation and, although I could only get one to consult me at a time, they both dropped by yesterday. We drew plans and made high-level calculations.

We decided it would be best, and least expensive, to lure any invading forces INTO Fort Sutter by piling treats within its walls, then bar the mighty doors behind them and not let them out until they learn to behave.


  1. Sounds like a plan to me. Fill them full of sugary and salty treat type yummies....they'll never want to leave.

  2. That's the most reasonable planning I've ever seen. That and the 2 boys with a cigarette being the offensive strategy.

  3. And if they don't learn to behave you could threaten them with two boys and a cigarette.


  4. Even though it's distressing to hear that two boys and a cigarette could destroy Castle Krasna Horka, it's extremely encouraging to know that your chief advisers have devised a plan to thwart Sacramento invaders with only a chalkboard and some tempting treats.

  5. Hey our leaders always fall a bit short in the planning department so I think this is a perfectly reasonable solution.

  6. I like how you think.

    I can be lured with eclairs and home-made fudge.



  7. Simple answers to complex questions. It might be good to start storing up on the M&Ms.

  8. Good chocolate will lure the invading women into your trap, but whatcha gonna use to get the men? Beer, maybe?

    Another fun post, dude.

  9. Hmmmm, what kind of treats? I'll be right there.

  10. I think there's a hungry witch in a forest with that same plan! Only hers, involving a gingerbread house, is slightly more sinister. I like yours better. I especially like your chief engineer's blueprints.

  11. Those chief advisors are smart cookies...good plan!


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