I had just settled into a fairly blank notebook page when I heard it, a still, small voice --surprisingly mellifluous-- announcing something intended to shock and disgust me: "Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself."
"Gaaah!" I replied.
"Gaaastropod, I think."
"Of course you are," I said. "I can tell by the attitude and pawky humor. Quite distinctive of your kind. Where are you?"
"I'm sort of under the brown bench across the walk. See me?"
"Yes, there you are on the support. How are you?"
"Rather sluggish."
"Hah! Should've seen that coming. Mucus trail up the cinder block, eye-pod waggling."
"Eye-stalk, you mean. I'm a slug, not an undergrown adolescent whose status is predicated upon Apple Inc. Products. But that "Gaaah!", it's about mucus isn't it?"
I eyed the slug. Was he right? No, slugs love to start arguments as much as they love word-play. Verbal repartee. Couldn't let myself be drawn into his --well, not web. They don't have webs-- mucus trail, then.
"Slug", I said. "I weary of your snotty insinuations."
"Insinuation? Now there's a five-jointed godless eel of a word! How do you expect that to hang onto your notebook page?"
"Snot?"
"Damn right! All those essy words --insinuation, succulent, seersucker, sarcocarp, sapindaceous-- all leave a mucus trail."
"What about homo-sapiens?"
"Present company excepted. Do you need a hankie?"
I may be a rather dense human but even I could perceive the gastropod's insult. One doesn't suggest dehydration to another species without some unresolved personal issues outside pawky predisposition. I stood up.
"Excuse me, slug. I'm going in to get a beer. Could I interest you in...ah, I thought not."
This reminds me of some of the later years after I had retired but still lived in Santa Cruz: they'd sluggishly insinuate themselves into my back patio where I was enjoying a beer or such and in their pawky way try to make me their prey. That's why I finally moved to Sonoma eight years ago....
ReplyDeleteWill-- I'm glad you moved to Sonoma. Wonderful town, and no snot on the back door!
ReplyDeleteNever, ever have a beer with a slug. They tend to get out of hand and blow up.
ReplyDeleteArleen-- I see we share the voice of experience.
ReplyDeleteMy capacity to think has been sluggish ever since I moved to Texas. I undoubtedly have dehydration of the brain, despite the fact that I constantly hydrate myself with beer.
ReplyDeleteStrangely enough, I've never encountered a slug in West Texas. They are too smart to reside in a place where it's so easy to dry up.
It's definitely snot a place for gastropods.....
Doesn't beer kind of create snot? Or make phlegm? Or maybe that's just me. Ha.
ReplyDeleteDry summer over here...I never saw a snail even though I did put out the beer for them.
ReplyDeleteThis has been a terrible year for slugs. All the rain we've had. They love it. This has been a wonderful year for slugs.
ReplyDeleteI did hear that they would die for a beer.
For a gastropod, that slug has some nerve!
ReplyDeleteOnly you could come up with something clever to say about slugs and snot. I bow to the master. Funny, but I think snails are cute, but take 'em out of their shells, and it's a total yuk.
ReplyDeleteJon-- With the weather we haven't had in both our states, we should take special care of our stomachs.
ReplyDeleteRubye jack-- I've seen beer create snots out of otherwise normal people but I avoid buying rounds for them again.
Delores-- In some regions, in this strange year, it's like putting cookies out for Santa. "Hark, is that the Christmas slug on my roof?"--line discarded by Clement Moore.
John-- Slugs are stupid but they know what's worth dying for.
Austan-- I have a million nerves. Slugs have maybe one or two and seem much calmer.
Susan-- Norma said much the same thing thing about me 43 years ago. So men have shells...probably hiding mucus-covered secrets. We're a seamy bunch.
Yeah, if you use that tissue first, i'll have a beer with you!
ReplyDeletePeople here all seem to agree that snot's funny!
ReplyDeleteWho can resist a blog post titled 'Snot'? You just can't. That's quite the visual of you and a slug I now have in my head, Sir Glopalot.
ReplyDeleteThat five jointed godless eel of a word got a big laugh here :-) Our slugs are too busy eating to engage in conversation.
ReplyDeleteHi, was just going through the google looking for good info and stumbled across your website. I am stunned at the design that you've on this site. It shows how you appreciate this subject.
ReplyDeleteGotta 'preciate snot!
Delete