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Saturday, June 4, 2016

Future Of Law Enforcement Revisited




Phone (automated voice of neutral but strangely cheerful inflection): Hello! Thank you for calling the Law And Equity Public Intoxication Hotline. If you are reporting a Drunk, please press 1. If you are a victim of Drunken Disturbance, press 2. If you are  DRUNK, press 3.

Caller:  Beep...uh...beep...oops!

Phone: I'm...sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please try again.

Caller:  Beep!

Phone: Public Intoxication is a serious offense and I'm glad you are reporting it. Please repeat your entry.

Caller: Beep beep?

Phone: Alright, I understand you are reporting a crime that you have committed. If this is correct, press 1. If not, press 2.

Caller: BEEP BEEP!

Phone:  I'm...sorry. That's what they all say. If you wish to misrepresent the severity of your offense,  you will need an attorney. Select from the following menu....

Caller: Beep?

Phone: Thank you for choosing the first attorney on our list. He is experienced and well-qualified, but he drinks. Misrepresentation in Law and Equity equates to fraud. Thank you for confessing to conspiracy to commit FRAUD. You may now lock yourself up. If you believe this judgement has been reached in error, please stay on the line. All our representatives are busy right now but your call will be answered in the order it was received and monitored to insure quality. Months spent on hold will be applied toward your sentence (muzak). Thank you for calling Law And Equity Hotline. Goodbye.


35 comments:

  1. At last a reasonable explanation for the lifetimes I have spent on hold. Listening to voices telling me that I am important to them. And bad musak. My crimes are obviously heinous.

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    1. EC, I can't imagine a more remote word than "heinous" in connection with you. Automated answerers treat everybody like that. My speculation portrays an exaggeration suggested by this country's unfortunate infatuation with robotic operating systems.

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  2. I wanted to leave a rational comment but I'm laughing too hard. This is brilliant!

    Beep, beep!
    (I think I just got connected with the Roadrunner....)

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    1. Thanks, kind Jon. I fear you're correct in assessing the customers' vocabulary being reduced to channeling Roadrunner. But then, the Coyote didn't do so well with the "Acme" products he kept ordering in silence --an enigma!

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  3. Ok, avid readers no doubt want to know, just what brought this particular post on?? Get disturbed by a drunk? I find the alternatives unlikely, but at my age will consider most probabilities, given that I am watching 'Bullit' at the moment.

    Perhaps automated responses have stimulated your ire. I've found that just hitting the 'O' key will sometimes get you to a live body, that that's not always rewarding, but can kill some time.
    Did the surgeons not know that the tumor was in the way or on the SA node?? There were some grafts that a pal in Seattle have told me about, that can bypass the path the SA node takes.
    Anyway, hope you are well.

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    1. Dear Mike, this piece suggested itself after that encounter with Apria Tues. I know about "O" key but it doesn't always work, which is why I drove down there where humans were. Don't recall much of the 10-year-ago O.H. work except a lot of interatrial septum was replaced with bovine tissue, which probably affected SA node-path. Rhythm issues aside, I still get urges to go out in the field and graze. And, thanks.

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  4. Poor Roadrunner! Maybe he should have texted instead of called.

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    1. Indeed! Who could imagine, watching Roadrunner cartoons back between drive-in movies, that he prefigured the whole of telephone communication in this, the distant future?

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  5. Why is it that the calls that are NOT monitored for quality are always the most unsatisfactory ones? Ah well. Our pharmacy has a simple and effective system for ordering prescription refills; our bank has a horrificly complex and addled system for talking to anyone about our money, what there is of it. There's food for thought. Hope you are well, Geo. I am somewhat worried by your conversation with Mike.

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    1. O Jenny, no cause for alarm but thanks for your concern. The procedure mentioned took place in Spring of 2006 and my survival is evidence of its success. This week's conversation with phone robots is at best peripherally related. No worries, ok?

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    2. Jenny, Geo knows that I'm certifiable, writing in comfort from a enclosed facility in the arctic wastes north of Inuvik. So far, he's not asked for an appointment....

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  6. You have captures the "call and hold" experience so succinctly. I especially like the ones that are voice interactive. Somehow they never seem to be able to help you that way.

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    1. I suspect much of the automation is an opportunity for companies to subject us to advertising. Eventually I get through, but often mis-key something and have to hang up and call all over again. Oh my.

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  7. Sounds a bit Kafkaquese, I'd say! Or maybe just hang up or keep pressing zero to get out of automative hell.

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    1. Sage, you've hit on the most accurate adjective(or direct object?). I hope Divine Judgement doesn't go automated --"Your soul is important to us; please press etc..." Phonelines from Heaven and Hell would be hopelessly overburdened. Kafkaesque indeed! Another post. Thanks!

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  8. I tried prayer once. I was put on hold! So much for good customer service!

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    1. Hah! I don't know if you have to press # or * but I think reincarnation is "redial".

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  9. At least they could come up with more creative ways to entertain us while on hold....perhaps some old-time radio comedy skits or something.

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    1. You know, Keith, that's really an excellent idea. I'd sure prefer it. It would also furnish work for actors to make new skits when the old-time ones ran out.

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  10. Those automated phone systems are a special kind of hell. Remember the good old days, when you could just dial your doctor's office, and make an appointment with his receptionist? (sigh)

    Almost as bad as the automated responses are the automated phone calls. After answering, I get a brief pause, followed by a "Please hold for a very important call..." Ain't no way!!!

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    1. Agreed, Susan! There certainly was a lot less electronic hectoring in the old days. I miss them --especially coming up on election day.

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  11. Is this what confession would be like if Catholicism had been invented in the late 20th century?

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    1. That would be a reasonable assumption, Squid. Institutions stir differently now. In 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter but I don't think he ever played.

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    2. Yeah, even a crossover dribble would be a challenge in full regalia.

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  12. What I hate more than the music during the "hold time" is when they advertise to you during the wait. This is adding insult to injury and a nice glass of fine wine might help. If I am trying to get through to a government agency (usually 30 minutes at the least), I would have to press 3.

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    1. Arleen, we're of one mind on this. Option #3 is the best way to tolerate this shortage of human operators.

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  13. Beep. B#*P. Have a nice day.

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    1. I #*&$%-well intend to, you too!

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  14. You captured these moments perfectly, utterly perfectly. When put on hold, I don't mind it so much if the music is classical, but when heavy metal or grunge assault my ears, my rage is awakened.

    My daughter posted this on her Fbook (?): Okay, I did it. But there's a lot of blood...what should I do next?

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    1. Understood. As to question, phone a pharmacy at 3 in the afternoon and the judicial system will seem quite efficient by comparison.

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  15. Aha...now I know these tortures aren't just designed to drive ME insane! LOL
    The hours spent listening to the same old sounds...and being told how important to them my call is...when all I want to scream down the phone is "Well, if my call is so important, then why am I on hold indefinitely...and being subjected to this awful music?"
    Well, at least they could try some Heavy Metal for a change, couldn't they?! LOL

    A great post, Geo...many thanks! :))

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    1. And many thanks to you too, Ygraine. I've had to make a number of such calls this past week and likewise felt my patience tested!

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