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Friday, September 13, 2013

Return To Aisle 15!

Had to shop again today. Had qualms about it after our previous visit. I feared, after finding canned dog for sale, some new outrage might present itself. But it is a mystery, and when one dedicates oneself to solving enigmas there is only one course. One sets one's features into a passable semblance of Calvinistic dourness and returns to aisle 15.

I was resolute. Then, as I investigated further and found CANNED CAT (!), resolve eroded into panic. How many other animals would I find tinned and vacuum-packed in the pet section? Such questions are classic ingredients of the permanent jumps and I decided to escape them. I dashed out to the parking lot, roared down the highway. Oblivious to honking motorists, I ignored speed limits and zig-zagged past them, but was seized by better judgement, rationalism. I pulled over to a skidding stop and decided to go back and at least get my car.

Rationalism is a philosophic approach emphasizing reason as the primary source of knowledge. That is, rationalists often find themselves trudging back to supermarkets wondering if they lend themselves to any purposeful study.  I love sushi. I considered the sushi chef in the deli department. He doesn't know much English but responds well to compliments to his artistry and my offers to adopt him. He is only 60 years old and would make a fine son, but prefers to work at the supermarket. It would be irrational to attack his place of employment.

Then there's barn cats, yard cats, the analytic truths attached to cats. They assume the shapes of their containers --often very small ones-- and fall asleep. Cats, therefore, do not quite qualify as solids. I welcome cats to our yard, encourage them to hunt and trespass freely, tell them they are pretty kitties. They look at me with heavily lidded eyes and say, "Who cares?"--a rousing battle-cry suitable for any group intent on reforming aisle 15.

I wish them well.


  1. HAHAHA. Best post ever. I now have this image of you zooming down the highway sans car. LOL

    All kitties are pretty kitties. Mine is the prettiest, of course...I tell her every day. :)

  2. However at need (or whim) cats can be very solid indeed. Or parts of them can. Teeth and claws spring to mind. Hairballs too.
    And I am with Austan. Your posts are a delight.

  3. Austan-- Most kind. My posts love you right back!

    Michelle-- Yes, well I may have exaggerated my velocity but sometimes, especially with age, I must!

    E.C.-- Thank you! But remember, if kitty hoarks up a hairball that runs around and barks, kitty is being overfed.

  4. Another classic, which surpassed its intended goal of delighting me and making me laugh.

    Since I still have at least eight stray cats residing in my back yard, the idea of canning cats is even more intriguing than ever.

    I'm looking forward to the day when they find a way to can kids (those annoying little buggers).
    The can, of course, should have a warning label: DO NOT OPEN FOR AT LEAST TWENTY YEARS.

  5. Jon-- Hah! I've always encouraged my kids to be around 30 years old, over 40 if they could manage it. Lately it seems to be working.

  6. Hilariously fitting: I just read George Mikes: "Tsi-Tsa. The Biography of a Cat" - and about Leibniz, the philosopher of rationalism.
    Both canned in books.

  7. My cats are outraged by the prices on canned cat. 70 cents per can is an outrage!

  8. Don't make a habit of burning rubber without the benefit of a car. It has been brought to my attention just recently that running shoes cost about the same as VW bug.

  9. You are a truly funny and I truly enjoyed this!
    Great writing.

  10. Britta-- Ah, a synchronicity --term coined by Jung. What did he think of cats?

    Laoch-- Justifiable outrage! But if 1 human year equals 7 dog years, how much is 70 cents in cat money?

    Delores-- I seldom stampede as a general thing. No danger of it becoming habitual.

    Margie-- Thanks! Your smile is what sets everything right.

  11. How very funny. I am so happy that you skidded to a stop and went back for your car.

  12. Another super post, dude. You especially got me with that part about going back to get your car. (I did NOT see that one coming, so it made me laugh.)

    You might want to investigate various oils next. Coconut oil, palm oil, vegetable, oil, canola oil, soybean oil, and most important (gasp!) baby oil!

  13. I wonder if there are whole eyeballs inside, as with tins of sardines....

  14. "I pulled over to a skidding stop and decided to go back and at least get my car."

    Well played...

  15. They are liquid, aren't they? And when you open the can, they just sproing right out, resuming their original mouse-hunting shapes.

    I laughed all the way through this one. (But, I usually do with yours.)


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