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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Canned Dog!



A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Imagine how awful a lot of knowledge is! I'm an old man on a fixed income so I know plenty and it scares the beejeebies out of me. Beejeebies are quantum units of vitality that geezers secrete in preparation for emergency enigma overloads. So when I go into our local supermarket and see a sign like the one above in the pet supply aisle, I have Norma take a photo of it while I run away and hide in the wine and beer aisles where there are other old men hiding and conserving their beejeebies.

"Canned Dog!" I announce, "They got canned dog on aisle 15."

"We know," says another geezer. "That's why we're all in the booze section. We gotta figure this out."

"My stunt double's down there now taking pictures."

"Post them!" Say the geezers, "World needs to know what's going on!"

"What IS going on?"

"Well, it's this hyper-driven, too-fast society. Folks aren't happy with fresh dogs that wander up to the house and ask to live there. They don't want to save untrained, unpedigreed, unprincipled pound dogs either. They want preprogrammed, prepackaged, pre-groomed, canned dogs right off the shelf. By the way, I believe that's your stunt double pushing her cart toward us now."

I ask Norma to show the photo on the little screen. Everybody gathers around it. Yep, it's canned dog all right. There's a general request for an enlarged image, a foreground detail.


"Oh my gosh!" Says one, "They didn't just freeze-dry, compact and package those poor creatures."

"No," says another. "They went and Samoyed 'em first!"

"Samoyed?"

"It's an infernal process that bleaches and fluffs a regular dog until it looks like a white teddy bear."

"How?"

"Samoying a dog involves changing their atomic structure to sustain a constant static charge that frizzes their fur and makes it repel all light wavelengths so they turn bright white!"

"They have to stay inside an ATOM SMASHER for days! Dog'll always feel awful and never reach its full potential after a thing like that."

Another geezer joins in: "Then getting granulated, canned and shelved before a new owner rehydrates...SAY, look at that price tag rail!"

"Goldang! 99 cents. Practically givin' 'em away! And you just add water, huh?"

There was a frenzied  sussurus of soft soles shuffling off toward aisle 15. Norma and I were suddenly alone.

"Cabernet with supper, you think? Lodi or Sonoma?"

"Both, that should replenish my beejeebies admirably!"  

18 comments:

  1. After this post, I am going to pour out a libation of Cabernet for you here too. I have smiled so widely my face hurts - thank you.

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  2. Hilarious. Now if I could only find the baby isle....

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  3. I don't think there is enough hot sauce in all the world to make canned dog palatable.

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  4. Thank goodness there wasn't a two for one sale, you'd have been shuffled over.

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  5. I'll take ten of them!! Maybe there will be a Black Friday sale.

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  6. You have a wicked sense of humor!
    ROFL ....
    Thanks, on this rather gloomy and very rainy day, this is just what I needed.

    Smiles ...

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  7. BRILLIANT! First chuckle percolated at 'Beejeebies are quantum units of vitality that geezers secrete in preparation for emergency enigma overloads' while I was still reading the post on my dashboard.

    Also quite enjoyed: '"Samoying a dog involves changing their atomic structure to sustain a constant static charge that frizzes their fur and makes it repel all light wavelengths so they turn bright white!"

    "They have to stay inside an ATOM SMASHER for days! '

    Good, good. Good, good. Feel ready for the day, now.

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  8. Oh Geo, I wouldn't have dreamed to meet a word like 'sussurus' so quick again (oh, I see: not susurrus) - I thought, when choosing 'susurranted' for a German difficult word in my last (rough) translation of Goethe on Burstingwithhappiness exeptionally original. Well - nothing new under the sun...
    But now I'm off: must ask my hairdresser to Samoy my hair. You will understand when you read in a week or so why I need it: I'll get sort of 'canned' too... (enigmatic?)

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  9. Oh, dear, Geo. :-) You've done it this time.

    Meet me in the wine/beer aisle.

    Pearl

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  10. Your post inspires me to watch SOYLENT GREEN again. Makes you wonder what will happen to all of these Fixed Incomers. Hehe.

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  11. Oh my gosh... So funny... Only you would make it canned dog as insta-pet!

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  12. The pet food industry's having a rough year. Signs like this one come dangerously close to confirming the worst of our fears.

    Very funny post, as usual. I'm going to start stockpiling canned beejeebies today!

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  13. Fantastic concept! And the best part is that canned dogs will never bark all night and keep me awake. Unless, of course, you open the can.

    I don't know what's worse - - having the beejeebies scared out of me or the jeeters.

    You're starting to get so many comments on your blog that I now have to keep scrolling down, down, down to find the "Post a comment" thingie.

    My blog comments have dwindled since I bashed Obama. Go figure.

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  14. That was an awesome post! Loved it!

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  15. You outdid yourself with this one, Geo. I am sitting here in the geezer aisle laughing my head off. Oh my, I might have lost some of my beejeebies in the process.

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  16. It must be a blast to peruse the grocery aisles with you. Do you head to the pharmacy afterwards to make fun of the butt paste and crack cream?

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  17. You crack me up. I don't think you should worry until the sign says "canned geezers". Although, they've been canning my kind for years, and it's not so bad if you're not claustrophobic.

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