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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Enigma Tutorial #1

It is mid-May, far too early for the pumphouse thermometer to read 97 degrees. To readers accustomed to the metric system, that is 36 degrees Celsius or 4 degrees above freezing (32) in Fahrenheit. On the Kelvin scale, it is 309.61, the temperature recorded by probes punched through the roof of Perdition (so be good). I did not mean to begin this essay with a confusing paragraph on my understanding of meteorological measurement, but sometimes it is impossible not to take the weather personally. This essay is intended to set out certain methods, developed under strict empirical standards, of identifying enigmas. An illustration:
It is a rendering done on plywood showing, with oscilloscopic precision, changes in auditory magnitude and potential across a screen caused by a rackety chicken laying an egg. As evidenced by what scientists call "wavy lines", we learn humans --supposedly creatures highest on the evolutionary ladder-- are not the planet's most ostentatious ovulators.The evolutionary ladder is a scale quite as confusing as international temperature conversions. If we invoke logic, it would appear other life-forms on the evolutionary scale are neither higher nor lower than our own --or the ladder simply does not exist. That is all I know about biology, but there are other enigmas. Observe:
This specimen of human endeavor is located five miles from here and is called a strip-mall. We go there to drop off furniture, books, electronics and other reusables at the Goodwill Donation Station. Sometimes we go get a pizza too. But between those excellent enterprises is a mysterious establishment that promises threaded eyebrows. Where are they getting them? Why do they thread them? I can only speculate the eyebrows are donated next door by folks who don't want theirs any more. Are donors subjected to carding and worsting? Should I check the pizza menu for side orders of threaded eyebrows? Enigmas!

Yes, we create human mysteries enough, but nature vigorously compounds them. I recall another hot day in May when the north wind swept down and blew the eyebrows off everyone in Sacramento. They were deposited by that same wind upon people in Fresno and Salinas, but inside out and unthreaded. No matter where we woke up this morning on the evolutionary ladder, the awesome power of nature is ready to equalize our status. Please advise! 



30 comments:

  1. Well, Geo. - you've solved a mystery. I've always wondered why so many Texans are eyebrow-less. Now I know. These wickedly wild West Texas winds have blown them away.........all the way to California, where eyebrow-savvy entrepreneurs are making a profit from them.

    By the way - I still have my eyebrows, but I'm missing a few tattoos.

    By the way, again - - it was 100 degrees here yesterday and tonight it's predicted to be in the 30's. That drastic contrast in temperatures is enough to make a hen lay an egg. Or perhaps even a rooster.

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    1. 100 to 30 degrees is conspiratorial! I commend your fortitude, even if your tattoos are appearing on Californians! There's always another enigma.

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  2. It's that hot in Sacramento? We're 20 degrees less here in OR. And I have an eyebrow surplus, which tempts me to explore this threading thing...oh look there's a wiki-how page:
    http://www.wikihow.com/Thread-Your-Eyebrows
    Nah, never mind. I like my eyebrows.

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    1. n.

      Ad
      Warnings

      Thanks for link, Kerry. Went to it and read: "Threading can take out a lot of hair very quickly. Be careful that you don't remove a whole section of your eyebrow. Be careful to thread just the hair. If you accidentally catch the skin it can be rather painful." Gaaahh! I feel compelled to add, don't get those threads around your neck!

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  3. It was 91 in central KY two days ago and humid. Felt more like late July. Too soon to be that hot! I am already looking forward to autumn myself.

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  4. Life has been threading my eyebrows for years, but a pencil has been filling in the lines. If only I could use the same pencil for other parts of me.

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    1. My compliments upon your artistry, Arleen. The camera obviously loves you.

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  5. Geo, I'm not sure how to say this, but I feel like a student sitting in awe at the feet of a Master when I read your script. I struggle to understand the nature of psycho-spirituality, reality and illusion, against the backdrop of relativistic space-time on the one hand and quantum mechanics on the other, not to mention the realm of mystical theology. Yet here on "Trainride of the Enigmas" I confess I meet an experience that is way beyond my little mind to understand.

    Salutations! And may your threaded eyebrows never cease in their yearning to raise themselves to new and, maybe, unexplored realms of the forehead.

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    1. I share the same sentiments as Tom - - I merely pretend that I know what's going on.
      (I learn here, Geo).

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    2. Tom, Jon, Thank you. I randomize here and seldom know what's going on either.

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  6. I take it you've never actually been inside the Threaded Eyebrows establishment? I'm dying to know now!

    Your penultimate sentence took my breath away. So true.

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    1. Most kind Squid, correct, I have never gone inside there. Some things Man is not meant to know.

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  7. It is strange, as I get older I feel less necessity to find the solution to most enigmas. Hopefully this is just a phase I am passing through.

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    1. Every phase of life, all climacterics --puberty, andropause etc., are shrouded in enigma. Passing through is a solution I can't always accelerate or even know if I want to. "Hopefully" is a good word!

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  8. We are not yet in the fire zone here in San Diego. But the wind is sending it into some very nice town. Carlsbad is being evacuated now. The heat and the Santa Ana winds are a bad combination.

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    1. I have been following the news in the Sacramento Bee. Very glad to learn you are not in harm's way!

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  9. Hi Geo
    Looks like you are in for a hot summer.
    Hope you get some cooler days, it was 68 here today and that's a perfect temp for me.
    Sometimes when I read your posts here I just am at a loss for words but you are a very amusing writer.
    I have never had an abundance of eyebrows so I'm keeping those I have.

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    1. Kind Margie, I am one of those men whose gray eyebrow hairs grow about 6 inches overnight. You chose your gender wisely!

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  10. I'm not sure which is the more difficult scenario: to be relieved of eyebrows by a hot wind, to be burdened with extra eyebrows or to be in the difficult situation of having to donate one's eyebrows to threading. Hmm. Enigmas, indeed.

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    1. Both are preferable to the cosmetic hazards of exploding cigars which led to government regulation of dynamite content in tobacco products. I get all my historical information from old Merry Melodies cartoons.

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  11. Advise, huh? Hang onto your hat... and your eyebrows.

    Threading doesn't sound any more appealing than waxing. Not that plucking is much better. When I was very young and foolish, (even more foolish than I am now) I decided that my then-bushy eyebrows were an abomination. I loved watching the Baltimore Orioles play, but decided I most definitely did NOT want to have the same uni-brow look as one of their star players. So I plucked the living daylights out of 'em. The hair that once grew in the center never did return, much to my delight, but the brows themselves are still a bit on the skinny side.

    Another mind-bogglilng post, dude.

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    1. Ah, Andy Etchebarren --a catcher needs all the facial protection he can get, or grow.

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    2. Yes, yes, YES! I'm tickled that you knew who I was talking about.

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  12. I've watched those eyebrow threaders first hand at a demonstration afternoon before the opening of a new beauty salon. The speed at which they work is phenomenal!

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    1. I'm still afraid to look but your courage has inspired me. I will peek through the salon window next pizza.

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  13. Dear Geo.,
    "No matter where we woke up this morning on the evolutionary ladder, the awesome power of nature is ready to equalize our status".- so true! Here the very cold temperatures - suddenly the weather changed from really nice 21°C to 4°C - made us rise our not-threatened eyebrows, and then we all fell into involuntary hibernation - only shuffling onto the balcony to admire a few roses who mysteriously had opened up - much to early, but really beautiful.
    Now they tell us on the radio we'll get 26°C on Monday (can't trust that day... though I love Mondays) and maybe we'll wake up again.

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    1. Dear Brigitta, I am confident that you are among the fully awake, no matter what the temperature!

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