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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Ask Uncle Eyeball


Having received today this artful creation of eyemuscle muttonchops from Daughter in Chicago, I decided to test a format I have not attempted since writing for the Kerr Courier in 1964, an advice column. It is New Year's Eve and I am not entirely in possession of myself, so I don't know where these questions are coming from, but I shall in all my best respond.

Dear Uncle Eyeball,
I don't usually consider myself old but lately I have seen my grandfather's face in the mirror --if you know what I mean. What should I do? --Boomer

Dear Boomer,
No, I don't know what the hell you mean but my grampa was born in 1872 and I had the same problem. I kicked the old boy out of the bathroom and told him not to monopolize the mirror. If, however, you are speaking figuratively and your mirror makes you feel old, just move it farther away until it conforms to your youthful self-image. I have done this repeatedly and successfully. My bathroom mirror is now located somewhere in Japan.

Dear Uncle Eyeball,
We are thinking of buying our first home. Please advise!--Normal Guy

Dear Normal,
If you really are normal, you should watch out for things realtors never tell you --like hardly anybody in any neighborhood they move you into is anything close to normal. In fact, current sociological studies show that every fourth house on Earth is full of creeps. In densely populated tracts you'll have neighbors borrowing  tools to permanently remove mufflers from their cars and motorcycles. This initiates tingo, an Easter Island word defined as borrowing things until nothing is left. You may wish to save up until you can buy two properties on either side of you, or move out of town. Even in the peaceful panorama of the bucolic countryside, the statistic holds, there's just more room. I opted for the latter and you can see how happy I am.

Dear Uncle Eyeball,
What is New Year's really? --Janus

Dear Janus,
I thought you had this settled long ago. New Year's is an heroic annual attempt made by the Cosmos to bridge the awful gap between you, me and fabulous wealth. Each year brings promise and hope, hope for peace, prosperity, tolerance and understanding --but mainly for compassion and love. These may sound like magical qualities with little chance of success and proliferation, but I assure you it is at least more than what every fourth person in the world wants. Perhaps you could get with the other gods and narrow that down.

And so to business. Let's all treat each other decently and have a Happy New Year!
Best wishes,
              Uncle Eyeball






24 comments:

  1. This was far better than watching the ball fall on Times Square on TV now....

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    1. Thanks Will, Let's have a great year!

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  2. I am not sure that the world is ready for the frighteningly accurate responses of Uncle Eye-ball. Many of us are much more comfortable with a delusion or six.
    Health, happiness, love and laughter to you and yours - this and every year.

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    1. Generous E.C., I wish the same good things to you!

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  3. Uncle Eyeball's insight puts Dear Abby and Ann Landers to shame (I am probably one of the few who still remembers them). A delightful read, as always. By the way, my bathroom mirror is somewhere in the Belgian Congo.... and I still look lousy..

    My very best to you and your family for a wonderful 2014.

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    1. Jon, you look fine! May 2014 bring fine things to you!

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  4. I've always made a point of never looking concentratedly in any mirror. It's cheaper than locating it in Japan, or the Belgian Congo. And should I accidentally see something I don't like, I'll probably just blame the flawed mirror! You see, denial does have its uses. :)

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  5. Happy New Year Uncle Eyeball....I loaned my mirror to the neighbours and haven't seen it since. Works for me.

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  6. I try to solve the problem by not looking in the mirror anymore, grooming by touch, instead.

    Alas, I've recently started resembling Ray Charles...

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    Replies
    1. Now, if we could only sound as good.

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  7. Thank you, Uncle Eyeball. You are most wise.

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  8. Thanks for the laughs in 2013 and have a blessed 2014.

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  9. I can tell you for sure that your daughter is having a snow filled new year.

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  10. What's even worse than seeing my grandmother's face in the mirror, is seeing my daughter come up behind me in the mirror, with her young skin and young hair and just young self.
    She knows not to do that anymore. :)
    Happy New Year. :)

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I know the feeling. I was a young self so long ago most of the people I knew didn't exist yet!

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  11. Woaaoh you are one of "the residents" !

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    1. C'est vrai! Résident ou détenu dans le cosmos - mais élève, toujours.

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  12. Love this! My oh my how the world would look differently without mirrors. Just think of the actual reflection that would occur.
    Happy New Year!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you dear Tesha. It begins! Truly a time for reflection how ever it's managed.

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