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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Scary Halloween Story!!!


Best way to make a long distance call to the past is get an old telephone, like the Western Electric candlestick in the photo, and wire it into something that exploits quantum coherence --a rare Antarctic Albino Pumpkin will do. As we established in a previous post, cats also work but get annoyed with leads and soldering and won't stay put. Then you place your call:

"Hello Poppy! It's Geo. What are you doing in Antarctica?"

"I'm not doing anything there. I'm in Iceland."

"Close enough. How are things?"

"Not too good. I got sent here to interview Skallagrim, son of  Kveldulf Bjalfason,  historical berserker of the 9th century who figures in the Icelandic sagas as a werewolf. We walked and talked about his dad. Skallagrim just seemed like a nice young, prematurely balding farmer, then the full moon came up. I'm really glad you called."

"Kveldulf is Old Norse for "evening wolf" so you thought..."

"I thought he was a wolfman, but he wasn't. He was just very troubled."

"His son, however..."

"Yes! Oh Geo., Skallagrim and I were talking and he was bald and then I thought he was getting asthma or growling and then I looked and he suddenly had this huge hairy head. He shook it at me!"

"So how's it going, Poppy?

"I'm running through the forest because he's chasing me!"

"Ok, slow down. He can't outrun you. He was not growling."

"You mean?"

"That's right, I've researched him. That's why I'm using a pumpkin (have you any idea what land-lines charge for long-distance to the 9th century?).  He's as asthmatic as I am. Just look around you. What's on the ground?"

"Sticks."

"Pick one up."

"Big one, right?"

"Certainly not! Somebody could get hurt. Find a small one that hardly weighs anything. Has he caught up yet?"

"Uh huh. I'm scared, Geo.!"

"Poppy, calm down and follow my instructions carefully. First, give Skallagrim a few moments to catch his wind, then throw the stick back toward the farm."

"Ok, what next?"

"Yell 'FETCH!'"

"Oh wow! He's chasing it. He's bringing it back!"

"Great. Keep doing that 'til the moon goes down."

"Won't it aggravate his asthma?"

"No Poppy, in defiance of all philosophical parameters, the wolfman is only immortal for a few hours every 28 days."

"But immortality is forever. Doesn't that mean always? Moon's full just once a month."

"Beats me. All I know is, when I was a teenager, he deejayed a radio show in Chula Vista. Sounded asthmatic to me."

"Takes one to know one, I guess."

"G'night Poppy."

"Happy Halloween, Geo!"
  

31 comments:

  1. Hmmm. The wolfman gets to be immortal for a few hours every 28 days and I want to take the life of everyone around me for a few short hours every 28 days...that doesn't seem quite fair, Geo. Do you suppose if I chased one of those sticks....?

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    1. Both points regarding the lunar month would seem to balance each other out. But I only recommend sticks if you encounter lycanthropy in Norse farmers

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  2. I never heard of Kveldulf Bjalfason or his son - but, then again, I can't afford long-distance to the 9th century. I loved this story. The only one who would have liked it more than me was Wolfman Jack.....

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    1. Thanks, Jon. I miss the Wolfman. Also, your blog suggestion about beer really helped me get writing again!

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    2. A few beers always work like a charm to enhance my creativity and obviously they did the same for you.

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  3. Oh Geo.,
    you really have a terrific sort of humour, making me grin like the C.c. (you know, Lewis C's) - and the choice of your words are so bright - memetic? - and as I always SEE pictures when reading, I revel in 'historical berserkers' or 'Skallagrim just seemed like a nice young, prematurely balding farmer, then the full moon came up.' - hahaha - absolutely gorgeous (juxtaposition (?) of the prematurely balding and the full moon, hahaha - and then the unexpected change to very hairy Werwolf). Thank you!

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    1. Kind Brigitta! It is I who should thank you.

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  4. Big smiles. Thank you.
    I never met a pumpkin I didn't like, and obviously need to expand my horizons about what to do with them.

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    1. Pumpkins love to challenge our imagination.

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  5. Hehehe only you would write this and I'm glad you did. Happy Halloween! xo

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    1. Happy Halloween to you too, Austan!

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  6. Temporary immortality....time travel via albino pumpkin...yep, it's Halloween for sure.

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    1. Not just for Halloween. Those are good, down-home values.

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  7. Geo, awesome, I loved it.
    oh maaaaaaaaaaaaan, you have a great sense of humor.

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  8. "historical berserker"

    Holy crap, Geo. EVERYTHING I read today should have those words in it.

    Pearl

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    1. Indeed. Historical berserkers don't get near enough press.

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  9. "Beats me. All I know is, when I was a teenager, he deejayed a radio show in Chula Vista. Sounded asthmatic to me."

    YAY! What a pay-off! Laughed merrily more than once. :)

    Happy, happy Hallowe'en, Geo.!

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  10. The albino pumpkin is back!

    And the stick! This was so funny...the best scary Halloween story I've ever read! :)

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    1. Most kind! Albino pumpkin is getting a lot of use.

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  11. If we're having "jumbo shrimp" for dinner tonight, I don't see why there can't be a "temporary immortality." Works for me. (A forever kinda immortality would get to be a real drag.)

    Fun story, dude!

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    1. Jumbo shrimp disappear quickly, like most paradoxes. Feynman thought positrons could be electrons traveling backward in time. You think short anti-waves run through the right kind of pumpkin could exist long enough to reach 9th century hams?

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  12. Fathers always know what to say (well, sometimes) and to do (not sure about that one).

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    1. Yes, but lately my attitude toward other time travelers is increasingly avuncular. To my children I utter imbecilities which are always correct.

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    2. Hey, Geo.! This another priceless one....and I notice that today is your brother's b'day. I'd love to see what he says....

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    3. Thanks Willie! And thanks for reminding me. I must call Frank and wish him well.

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  13. Good advice, it seems, but not nearly scary enough.

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    1. Alas, Friko, I have always had trouble being scary.

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  14. I thought I had the only rare antarctic albino pumpkin. You just can't believe sales people anymore.

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  15. Hook a telephone into it. Poppy would love to hear from you!

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