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Saturday, May 28, 2016

Threaded Eyebrows and History

"Hello? I'd like to order a pizza please."

"You want threaded eyebrows with that?"
"Maybe, I don't know.  Are they fresh?"
"Threaded right next door, no question."
"They any good on pizza?"
"Like I'd ask if they weren't."
"Ok, uh how do I know if I'd like eyebrows on my pizza?"
"Well, do you drive a modern sedan?"
"When I don't have to haul anything big, yes."
"Does it look like it wants to crawl into a hole?"
"Quite often, yes."
"Good! Holes are the only parking spots we have left. Hard to back out of but worth trying."
"Why?"
"If you can back a car out of hole, you can eat threaded eyebrows and get a coupon."
"I'll call next door and get back to you."
**********************
"Hello, Eyebrow Threading, how can I help you?"
"Are eyebrows any good on pizza?"
"Depends on when you were born and if you were ever in an identical twins contest."
"In the 1950s when I was about 8. We would've won if my older brother had stood further back and looked smaller."
"Please hold while I connect you with our customer service number... All our representatives are busy right now but your call is important to us. Stay on the line for our useless questionnaire or press pound# for our next available agent ...this call may be monitored for quality control. Hello? This is Blaze (Blasse?Vlasz? Who?), how can I be of service?"

"Hello, I have a question. I mean I had a question but my mind wandered during the hold-time on your answering system. I've been thrown off by all the personal history your policy demands. "

"Oh yes, poor consumer, it can be trying --powerful stuff, history."

"Indeed, one day the world is fine. Next day, it knocks you for a loop!"

"It's a matter of the heart, sir. The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

"Wait, I recognize that. Its from Blaise Pascal. Blaise, Blaise, is it really you?"

"Alas, I am discovered in history between pizza and threaded eyebrows. Flee! Escape now or be caught in mindless soul-killing muzak! I have other calls."

To hear this menu again, please press 4 now.

I have never pressed 4.

26 comments:

  1. "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."
    I like that immensely.

    Never had my eyebrows threaded but I love pizza. And for a special treat I sometimes order pizza with extra Joan Crawford eyebrows.

    Thanks for the humor...and have a delightful holiday weekend.

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    1. Kind Jon, I wish you an excellent weekend in return. Careful with the Crawford eyebrows --they crawl up my head and do mischief.

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  2. You just never know when you pass by one of those places how it will throw someone into a bout of psychedelic storytelling. I will never again look at pizza without thinking of threaded eyebrows and Blaise Pascal. Of course, I would show my approval, or distaste, but can't because yesterday I paid someone to 'thread' me and now I have nothing up there anymore.

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    1. Thanks Amy! I still don't really know what threading is but, you know, imagination won't be silenced. Now that I learn you have it done, I shall look it up and and be less frightened.

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  3. I have watched women getting their eyebrows threaded and still do not know how it works. As far as the pizza can they guarantee that it would only be my own eyebrows or do I need to worry about some invasive species of brow? One must be extremely careful with the shaped brow and the pizza topping.

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    1. I understand and entirely agree, Emma. My preference is for high-set arched eyebrows because pizzas should always look surprised. I don't know what else one could catch from them but surprise is manageable.

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  4. I am lost in the labyrinths your mind takes us romping down. Lost, and glad to be so.

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    1. Then we're a fine pair of rompers and I'm pleased to have your company.

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  5. What EC said! ^ I love it when your mind explodes like confetti. :D
    x

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    1. Ah! I thought I felt you holding my other hand. Now it's a parade! Confetti indeed.

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  6. Thank you for turning me off pizza for awhile. Good timing, because the scale hasn't budged in two weeks :)

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    1. O Jenny, 3 weeks ago I tried to weigh my dictionary on our bathroom scale but something inside it had rusted up solid --the scale, not the dictionary-- so I put little faith in scales this month. It is Sunday, go thou and do likewise (my sermons NEVER discourage responsible pizza consuming).

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  7. Threading a needle has always been a challenge to me. Shoelaces I'm better with. But Pizza is always a great idea. Juxtapositions are a delight.

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    Replies
    1. Agreed! With needles to thread and shoes to lace, our brains need to get silly sometimes --pizza sure helps too!

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  8. The eyebrow threading sign is back! Excellent!

    Nor should you press 4. Avoid 6, too. If you press 6, they thread the pizza directly into your eyebrows. You'd think that would be convenient - you know, snacks for later. But the anchovies can get itchy.

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    Replies
    1. Ah, Squid, I suspected prior use of the photo would not escape you. Thanks for the anchovy caution!

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    2. That photo's definitely worth multiple postings.

      Happy June, my friend. Hold the mushrooms.

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  9. Threading eyebrows is an experience, but I never thought about putting them on pizza. Nice ping pong here.

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    Replies
    1. Mental ping pong has a stabilizing effect in enigma research. Thanks, Susan!

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  10. Sorry Geo, straying from the crowd here. At Cal, I took a couple of Pascal language courses, because I was using it, back then during the dark ages, for SPSS. Here's what I liked about it:
    The definitions:
    the name of the file and the exact definitions of the file must be identical. Then is specified the interface, how it would function with the rest of the formula. Then would come 'implement", which you have to agree is more user friendly then .exe.

    Anyway, the weekend has yielded me trout and some relaxation. I hope the same for you.

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    Replies
    1. No need for sorry, Mike. I been straying from one thing or another all day. Back in the '70s and '80s, kids and I were learning BASIC in the back porch, and it made sense. Today, I tried to make sense of a medical supply contract for a device that wouldn't take my copayment in cash --only about $9. Wanted credit card # so they could keep taking $2 out per month for 13 mo.s. (said I had to rent the machine before I owned it). I delayed and let a couple my age go ahead. They were trying to get the co. to stop mining their credit card well after 13 months --and raising the rent 5x. So I declined the transaction and we all wished each other luck. Buying an abuterol sulfate nebulizer has got strangely illogical and decidedly UNrelaxing. Suggestions?

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  11. Threading eyebrows sounds painful but maybe if you burn your tongue on the pizza you wouldn't notice what they are doing on your forehead.

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    1. Beautiful, funny Arleen. After a day like this your humor is a breath of fresh air. Thanks!

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  12. I've only had threaded eyebrows on hot dogs. They taste like hot dogs. Seemed a little redundant. Now, on pizza, well, might be like chocolate and peanut butter...

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    1. Chocolate and peanut butter on pizza could impel Italy to declare war. I'd proceed cautiously, Chicken. Top secret project.

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    2. Shhh. The peanut has landed.

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