Since the other kids are currently waking from enchanted slumber and declaring candidacy for the coming elections, I thought it apposite to trot out this old essay, update it, and post it before my political rivals fully disenthrall themselves and get the jump on me.
Here is a picture of a man. He is 65 years old. He is on a big
adventure to find his shadow but is walking in the wrong direction. Why
is he doing that? Why is he doing that on a hot June day in
He is in training.
is in training for politics because another goddawful election year is coming,
full of upheavals, downheaveals and unilateral global heavals, but he
doesn't care about that. This is important. He wants to be
Lieutenant Governor of Wyoming. Why? Because he is currently Lieutenant
Governor of Arizona and hates the Capitol Building:
is why he lives in California. Yes, it's still dry here and he despairs
of his yard but politics is a strange bedfellow and he prefers to live
with his wife who says, "he's strange too because he steals all the covers". But
more importantly, he braves the inclemency of the Golden State. In his
words: "Those other two states, much as I love them and dedicate my
political life to them, are mostly just gravel."
No other Lieutenant Governor of either state has given a kinder description of them.
is our candidate special? First off, he was a prime athlete who
attended several prestigious community colleges on a
full Cockfighting Scholarship.
Machiavellian tontines and the slogan, "How do I get out of this chicken outfit? No, really, there's no zipper!"
His platform consisted of fierce promises to clean
up campus lavatories --which really needed it-- expressed as, "A vote
for me is a vote for sanity (a word he still confuses with sanitation)."
He also perfected a directive that thematized his subsequent public
life: "If we cannot progress singly, let us regress severally. You guys
There are some who say the office, to which
our candidate aspires, holds no real power. In rebuttal, one can only
point out the contributions of Lieutenant Governors in Arizona, Maine,
Oregon, West Virginia, Puerto Rico and, of course, Wyoming. If you would
like to impress alumni at your next high school reunion by claiming to be a
Lieutenant Governor, make sure it's one of those six places. Other
states and territories actually have that office.
Oh, and I have dibs on Wyoming.