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Saturday, October 25, 2014

I Have Married Once



BRETON,ANDRE:
"Existence is elsewhere."— André Breton, The Surrealist Manifesto.

When my wife and I are shopping, I will go off and get chips, beer, coffee, select a dinner wine and thumb magazines while she remains in the dreary grain aisle. I'll go back and try to help.

"I'm looking for brown (something-something) basmati," she'll say, and I look too, then give up after ten seconds.

"There's no such thing." I tell her, "It does not exist."

I do not say, "existence is elsewhere", because that means another grocery store, another search, one that somehow becomes even more futile because she's added "jasmine" to the name of what is not.

Pretending to know an unknown allows me to go home, read my new magazine, refresh myself with man-groceries in a way Andre Breton could not.

M. Breton was married three times.
 Forgive me for posting so late at night and so sketchily --a word? I no longer know. At 10 p.m. I found my computer had been hacked. My fingers have been flying like enraged  hornets for an hour and a half. At least 100 Normaphotos are missing from my files and replaced by a mediocre seascape. Yet, I have not given up! I shall type faster than the malfeasant miscreant who authored this outrage. I have cleared the monster from my computer but it required the sacrifice of a folder to do so, as well as 2 deep circuit scans of all my poor old HP's systems.

Ah, I have recovered her photos! You are safe to view, yes, to read this bit of triumph. All scans turn up negative as I write and retrieve. The machine is clean. Surely, M. Breton, surrealist as he was until I was well into my teens, predicted such outrages. My fingers are tired. I triumph! It is almost Dimanche --my sermon! Go in peace!

31 comments:

  1. P.S. It is after midnight and I have checked. The intrusion seems to have come from Poland or the Ukraine. Be vigilant, my dear bloggers. I'm going to bed.

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  2. What a pain....I'm so glad you've managed to restore your files.

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    1. Indeed, not a favorite recreation. Achieved a rather disorderly restoration --something new to get used to.

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  3. The only think I knew about Breton was the period he spent in Mexico with Trotsky, Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo.
    Unfortunate about your computer....one would think the Ukrainians would have enough to occupy themselves without mucking about like that.
    I apparently don't have anything interesting enough to hack on mine. Once in Alaska on business my rental car was broken into and briefcase and laptop taken. It was found nearby in a dumpster. If I can't interest a casual thief then there is probably little a hacker would want.
    Oh...did you check your credit cards or bank accounts?

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    1. Fortunately, I do no banking or bill-paying on line and caught the malware in the 1st file it attacked.

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  4. Dear Geo.,
    my compassion: to have hackers in the computer is a nightmare. I always wonder in my stats of the blog why there are some suspiciously high grasps at some posts - even I cannot be that conceited to believe that it is the shere fascination of my texts :-) I wonder: what is their profit???
    Though, of course: the Norma-photos are so splendid that they might lead into temptation... I am happy that you have managed to put things right.
    To the start of your post: too much choice makes distracted, and, in the long run, even unhappy I think. I always wonder in our posh KaDeWe why they offer 209 sorts of pasta - and in a drugstore 67 sorts of toothpaste make me grind my teeth. Versification is fine, change is fine - but in the end the differences might be marginal.

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    1. Profit is in saleable information, a fungible commodity among identity thieves. It's become a cottage industry in several countries. As for legitimate enterprise, after 209 kinds of pasta one might need 67 sorts of toothpaste.

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  5. My mother said that giraffes do not exist. The body specifications are impossible. Perhaps they exist elsewhere.

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    1. Hadn't heard of the impossibility of giraffes but it makes sense. I have heard bumblebees are theoretically incapable of flight.

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  6. Trader Joe's has all that is not. Norma should find her rice there.

    Hackers can be found everywhere.

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    1. Indeed, Trader Joe's has got so popular there's no parking left sometimes.

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  7. A corner of the cyber neighborhood without hackers-it must exist elsewhere where you can also find brown (something-something) basmati.

    Sorry for your fright. Good to know the circuits have been made right.

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    1. Thanks, the exorcism is complete and wards are in place.

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    1. Don't know what else to call them.

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  9. I have a fondness for man groceries. Then again, I'm an opportunistic eater and man groceries are usually the most readily available. Sorry about your computer issues, Geo. At least you were able to resolve them with your quick draw fingers. I go into Chicken Little mode when my computer acts up. It's not pretty.

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  10. Ah, the advisor (consigliere) to little (poco) is a wise adjustment when the sky falls --I have experienced it several times. With proper nourishment, I shall recover from last night's computer issue efforts in a year or two.

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  11. When we go shopping as a family, I get sent on missions: get beer, get yogurt, get stuff for lunches and breakfasts, etc. I have no patience whatsoever for the slow trudge up and down the aisles. Well-meaning store employees offer me carts and baskets but I assure them no, it's better this way!

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    1. Good system! For me, those were the good old days, Squid. My job now is to push the cart from aisle-end to the next, park and let Norma scamper amid the gridlocked rows.

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    2. That day will come for me, too, probably - especially once our daughter is no longer happy to stay by the cart and keep her company.

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  12. I'm sorry that you were dealing with a computer hacker, Geo! No fun! My husband and I rarely go grocery shopping together. We get into serious disagreements starting with coupons and bargains. He never met a deal he didn't like or a coupon he didn't want to use. And he likes serious man-groceries! I think you two are brave to tackle it together. LOL!

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    1. My wife is the coupon clipper here. I am not. Either way, shopping habits really should be discussed before marriage. I have put up with her strange enthusiasms for 45 years. If they persist another 45 years, I shall speak to her about it!

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    2. Here's hoping you get to have that conversation!

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  13. I much prefer a miscreant I can punch- computers with punch buttons may exist elsewhere, I suppose, but still not as satisfying as one delivered in person. Sketchily is an endearing word though, I found it calming. I hope you are feeling calmer xx

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    1. Lisa, I envision a laptop that can identify nefarious users and snap shut while they're typing on it. Is anybody working on this?

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  14. Sorry about your troubles, but the world in which we live (with wives and hackers...)

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    1. Thanks, Sage. Happily, wives will always be a clear favorite.

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  15. Getting hacked is so gut wrenching...I feel for ya.

    Maybe someone could write a program that would immediately pull the HACKER data and post it prominently, along with a link to everything they hold dear. Yep, that would slow it down. Except some hacker would hack the hacker site and it would end up as a dark, hacky spiral.

    Maybe I'll just change my password.

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    1. Thanks, Cherdo. My kids tell me it's prudent to change my password every month or two. And, yes, doubtless hackers are constantly hacking each other! Fortunately my server has some very effective scans for such things. All's ok now.

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  16. Evil-doing hackers are scarier than any Halloween monster. I'm glad you were able to perform a successful exorcism. (Probably made you consider giving the computer a REAL boot.)

    In our house, grocery shopping is considered "wimmens work." It's actually the only kind of shopping I enjoy, but on the rare occasion that Smarticus accompanies me, he definitely gloms onto a lot more "man groceries" than I would ordinarily buy. If he comes with me to get live blue crabs, we end up bringing enough of them home to feed a small army. (Luckily, he can eat as many crabs as a small army...)

    Happy Halloween, dude!

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    1. It was a happy evening, Susan. We stayed in and watched "Modern Family" on Netflix. Dudes don't have to do scary stuff on Halloween!

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