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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Uncle Eyeball Again

We were sitting outdoors, watching the evening darken into deepest blue. It had been seven months since I had seen Uncle Eyeball and was surprised when Norma leaped from her chair and plucked him from the sky. I thought she'd caught a fruit bat --a habit I've been meaning to speak to her about-- but she held an eyeball up and I was overjoyed at the prospect of his renewed company. I was, however, confused by his altered appearance.  
"Uncle!" I exclaimed, "you are much changed since last we met. What has happened?" To which he reminded me, in no uncertain tone, to adhere to the strict form and protocol that have ever-presided over our conversations. Oh, very well:

Dear Uncle Eyeball,
Why are you shaved and hatless? And what is the purpose of your pronged appendage? --Geo.

Dear Geo.,
Since last we met, I was drafted by National Security as a surveillance device, examined by their highest echelon of intelligence-gathering technicians who instructed their highest echelon of cosmetologists. I was shaved and stripped and instructed to spy on seditious insurrection unnoticed, disguised as an indoor moon. The purpose of my "appendage" is obvious. I was referred to top secret electricians who converted me from the sustenance of imagination and fitted me with prongs that fit any standard household 110 volt outlet. Kindly plug me into that one on the lamp post behind you.
--Thanks, Uncle Eyeball

Of course, we complied, but there was a complication. As Uncle recharged, he also glowed and projected a figure, an impressively uniformed figure, upon the bean tent. It was difficult to get in one take, having blindingly bright teeth, hair and gold-braid all over him. He said, in most mellifluous and commanding tones,

"Dear Uncle Eyeball,
I'm Captain Troy Handsome of The Metaphysical Emergency Force. Please state the nature of the unnatural!
Yours truly, Capt. Troy Handsome"

I was taken aback by Uncle's response.

Dear Geo.,
They've done it again! Every time I get even slightly free of them, they activate some crazy sub-routine that asks questions that would go right over my head if I had any head instead of just an eyeball. Then they lure me back into the dark work of their world. Unplug me now. I'm fully recharged, ready to fly away with their cause and fail magnificently where others would be merely successful. My blessings, nephew, and do speak to Norma about the dangers of bat-snatching!
All my love, Uncle Eyeball

I did as instructed and watched Uncle streak upward and out of sight. We then directed Captain Troy Handsome to some neighbors across the south field. Unnatural? Yes Captain, they play music that sounds like tennis shoes in the dryer. Good luck with them!

36 comments:

  1. Uncle Eyeball has become a government drone spying on innocent dwellers of lawn chairs and peering in kitchen windows to see which among us are not doing our dishes right after dinner. It's unnatural.

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    1. Next step could be reeducation camps for bad dish-doers, then we're all washed up.

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  2. I think the nature of the unnatural might be chemical or plastc-based. if it's chemical based, it's probably at Kraft headquarters and if it's plastic-based, most likely Disney World. Hope that helps.

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    1. I believe Kraft has its own square on the Periodic Table.

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    2. hahaha. And if I saw it, I would toast it between two slices of Wonder Bread

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  3. I'm sorry to hear that you are plagued with unnaturals. I thought Texas was the only place with such an affliction. After Captain Troy has accomplished his mission with your curiously annoying neighbors, please send him to me in the Lone Star State.

    Snatching fruit bats out of mid air is an intriguing pass time, but it requires more dexterity than I can summon.

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    1. Capt. Troy is a holographic projection from newly bionic Uncle Eyeball. So you have to call him. Just go outside with a megaphone like I do and yell, "Uncle Eyeball!!! Uncle Eyeball!!!" over and over. All the neighbors go strangely silent.

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  4. The mind boggles! Boggleth it truly does!

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    Replies
    1. Ah, Uncle Eyeball is no stranger to the boggled.

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  5. uncle eyeball est-il une peiuvre ?

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    1. Oncle Eyeball est un globe oculaire - semblable à une pieuvre - qui nage l'imagination et donne des conseils. Il communique dans le style d'un chroniqueur de journal pour le mal d'amour.

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  6. Tennis shoes in the dryer - never thought about it before but that may have had a great impact on the music of the post-modern world than any of us appreciates.

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    1. It's true, they have a beat and you can dance to it.

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    2. Toss a few quarters and pebbles in there for snare and cymbals...

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  7. The ability to snatch a fruit bat from the air? Une femme extraordinaire!

    Uncle Eyeball. :-) I wish I'd thought of that.

    Pearl

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    1. Yes, Norma surprises me with such things. I never quite get her limits.

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  8. Geo
    Early morning here and you are my first read of the day.
    You are an amusing and excellent writer
    Hello to Uncle Eyeball

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    1. Good morning, Margie, and thank you!

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  9. Does uncle eyeball ever need eye drops or is he slippery enough already?

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    1. I have never asked him about his personal hygiene but would agree, he is practically frictionless.

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  10. Dear Geo.,
    maybe the German government might think about buying such Uncles to watch who is reading their utterly important SMS together with them. :) In England I was surprised how many streets are watched - now a current topic in detective series.
    As to relatives - uncles or aunts - I would not appreciate them to watch me. "Oh, watching me hanging on a string this time (...) Nothing sweet about me" sings Gabriella Cilmi - and I would agree with her in that special situation.
    Instead I would try to follow Norma - though I strongly doubt that I will be able to catch the silently fluttering bats in our Hinterhof - one had to jump very high, be very quick, and fearless of their little pin teeth. Query: What does Norma do when she caught them?

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    1. Dear Brigitta, She cleans, adjusts and polishes them. Then returns them to the night sky.

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    2. Not sure. Mostly she uses tools for repairing clockwork.

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  11. Dude, with your imagination, eye bet your grandchildren love to create make believe worlds with you. A fun post, as always.

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    1. As you well know, the imaginations of grandchildren constitute a new frontier. They're the real pioneers; I'm sort of a pack-mule.

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  12. On parle français ici? J’aimerais bien être dans la prunelle de l’œil de quelqu’un – un oncle ou une tante peu importe !

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    1. Français est écrit ici. Mais ma prononciation est américain, au mieux. Ma femme et son jardin parlent français. Oncle globe oculaire se soucie de tout le monde. Je prends plaisir à votre commentaire!

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  13. I wish I'd known about Uncle Eyeball while Auntie Tongue was still alive. She worked for the gummit too. Undercover ops, very hush-hush. They would've made quite a team!
    :)

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    1. Indeed! An ambitious tongue and eyeball could collect other features --nose, ears, even a cranium-- and become a head of state!

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  14. Is Mr. Potato Head Uncle Eyeball's BFF? Just wondering...

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    1. Yes, though I have never pried into the nature of their relationship [and, since Mr. Potato Head is seasonal, I'm not sure he's clear on "forever"].

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    2. I think both might have some gender confusion issues, but I like quirky creatures.

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  15. I have those "dryer balls" as well. I will remove them. It is better to live in silence and peace.

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    1. Dryer balls are knobby and fun! A little noisy in the dryer but played fortissimo like tennis shoes.

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