Saturday, March 9, 2013
The Future Of Crime And Punishment
Phone (automated female voice of neutral but strangely cheerful inflection): Hello! Thank you for calling the Law And Equity FRAUD Hotline. If you are reporting a FRAUD, please press 1. If you are a victim of FRAUD, press 2. If you are the perpetrator of FRAUD, press 3.
Phone: I'm...sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please try again.
Phone: FRAUD is a serious criminal offense and I'm glad you are reporting it. Please repeat your entry.
Caller: Beep beep?
Phone: Alright, I understand you are reporting a crime that you have committed. If this is correct, press 1. If not, press 2.
Caller: BEEP BEEP!
Phone: I'm...sorry. That's what they all say. If you insist on your innocence, press 1.
Phone: Stubborn? I understand. Please slap yourself around under a bright light. When you are ready to tell the truth, press 4.
Caller: Beep beep beep beep.
Phone: Thank you for confessing to the crime of FRAUD. You may now lock yourself up and throw away the key. If you believe this judgement has been reached in error, please stay on the line (muzak).
Phone (automated male voice): Hello! All our representatives are busy right now but your call will be answered in the order it was received and monitored to insure quality of service. Estimated waiting time is between five years and fifteen years which, if you are found guilty, will be deducted from your sentence. If not found guilty, please press the pound key to repeat the interrogation. Thank you for calling Law And Equity Hotline. Goodbye.