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Friday, July 27, 2012

Test Driving The New Fjord Implorer


I am not a skittish shopper. Sunrise over storefronts with tumbled walls do not deter me if I suspect they sell what I want behind them. That is what drew me into the only Fjord dealership outside of Norway. I was in the market for a new ride. I entered and was not accosted by salespeople, a good sign. The sole representative yelled "Hiya!" and waved me over to his bed.

"You sleep here?"

"I live here. Cuts overhead. How can we help you?"

"There's no 'we' here, just you and you're in your..."

"I meant the Fjord Motor Company. We're just starting to explore the American market, so you and me's WE --We're gonna help each other."

"You don't sell Fords?"

"Does the little king make tall people walk in ditches? You know the Ford Explorer's on the way out. Too big, ungainly, belligerent and belches pollution like my brother out there."

"Brother? Where?"

"Out there painting signs and doing electronic retrofitting."

"What kinds of signs and...what's he doing?"

"Well, you drove in here in a '71 VW bus and have therefore been through hell twice. First keeping it running and second competing with modern traffic. Here's what we do: we hang new Fjord signs all over your car and install onboard computers to interface with Ford Explorers"

"But why?"

"So you can change lanes and merge, for starters. Your new gadget calls up the Explorer and begs to be let into the next lane or onto the freeway."

"I need this?"

"You bet! And, unless you want to see your rearview mirror full of murderous SUV teeth, you need to call the Ford Explorer behind you and beg for space and mercy."

"Wow, I never thought of it that way!"

"Yep, begging is the key. Now what would it take to put you an a new Fjord Implorer?"

I paid and went back out to my car. Turned on the ignition and got a strange voice coming out of the dashboard. It said, "It's early. I'm sleepy. It's hard to wake up and I'm not sure society is moving in a positive direction." Then the engine died. Hmmm, maybe I could just live at the Fjord dealership. How bad could it be?

3 comments:

  1. You ought to give some thought to buying a bicycle. Get one of those little trailers fitted on the back. Once you get the knack of grabbing onto passing vehicles you could travel the world. Whatever you do though, do not get a fixed wheel bike. You would wear out your knees and ankle joints in no time. A freewheeler is definitely the way forward. Unless the vehicle you are holding onto goes into reverse. Not always possible I know, but I do implore you, try to avoid that.

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  2. John, that's some impressive imploring. You could win a free Fjord!

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  3. And you're still at the Fjord dealership to this day!

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